adjectives are not your friends

[zenithblue]

A conversation between me and Hodge, upon him reading and critiquing a teaching statement I had to write for my apps:

HODGE: Lose "interesting." Lose "incredible."
ME: (whining) But I'm tired! And they're easy! How else am I supposed to say it?
HODGE: Make it relevant to you specifically. "Teaching is exciting?" "I want to make their stories interesting?" No. No. Adjectives are not your friends.
ME: (being petulant) Yes they are.
HODGE: No they're not
ME: Yes, they are. Adjectives give me smooches.
HODGE: Adjectives don't give you smooches, they give you back-alley hand jobs.

Comments

[musashi270.livejournal.com]

HODGE: Adjectives don't give you smooches, they give you back-alley hand jobs.

Sorry, but I think we have the win, here.

[blozor.livejournal.com]

She did him one better. She made "hand jobs" a tag.

[zenithblue.livejournal.com]

I told him you said this and his response was:

"What do I care? 'Hand job' isn't an adjective."

I spent the next ten minutes trying to make it one. "Oh, Boyfriend, that sweater is very hand-job." And so on.

[helpimarock.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine from college converted the word 'budget' to be an adjective meaning "of exceedingly poor quality". For example: "this CD is really budget, someone turn it off" or "the first draft of my term paper really sucks, it's totally budget."

I think 'hand-job' should be the new 'budget'. For example: "did you see that drunken post that helpimarock made last night? it's the most hand-job post I've read all week."

[musashi270.livejournal.com]

My fault, missed that; agreed we have a new winner.

[blozor.livejournal.com]

Just think: Without adjectives, your applications would look much more profound, and there would be no way they could ignore such a prolific writer.

"Teaching is." "I want to make their stories."

If you saw that as a teaching statement on an application, how could you not hire the person? They'd either be a creative genius or a complete retard, but the credentials would back up the former more than the latter.

[lagizma.livejournal.com]

Snap!

[bluescissors76.livejournal.com]

It's sexist, is what it is. Men feel threatened by adjectives. See, e.g.: Ernest Hemingway, Raymond Carvver.

[punkybrister69.livejournal.com]

That's just damn beautiful, right there.
I, too, am an adjective addict, but that's just damn beautiful.

[zenithblue.livejournal.com]

Usually I know better, or at least know how to make my adjectives specific and bright (and better than "interesting" or "exciting"). But I'm so bloody tired of devoting artistic energy to bureaucratic nonsense. I'm just out of steam.

Good thing I put the last one in the mail today, I s'pose.

[lagizma.livejournal.com]

Inquiring wives want to know: when is the birthday of zenithblue?

[zenithblue.livejournal.com]

August 20. With any luck and the grace of the UC Irvine admissions department you could come to my next party! Of course, you'll be the only one *at* the party, since I know all of...well, one person in the vicinity.

[blozor.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about your particular problem last night. Focus on why you want to teach. Why is it important to you? What drives you, makes you care? You can't just say that teaching is exciting. Anyone can say that. You need to set yourself apart and above the multitude of hacks vying for the same position. You're a writer, so write. You have the combined wisdom and styles of every author you've read and critiqued at your fingertips. Impress the faculty. The main goal of most any author is to not just tell a story, it's to impart wisdom. They take a core belief and weave it into the story. What are your core beliefs about teaching? Work that into your teaching statement. Remember that it's not a statement of desire, but a statement of intent.

[blozor.livejournal.com]

Fuck. I guess it's a little late for this.

[zenithblue.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm done!

No, what you said above was actually exactly Hodge's point (except made with a nasty metaphor, which is how many of our conversations go). I did rewrite the dumb thing and take his advice, and it was better. The real problem was just my own exhaustion--I kind of knew I had to think like this, but I've been thinking like this for THREE SOLID MONTHS, and I'm tired of devoting creative energy to bureaucratic gobbldedygook.

But now it's done! And I'm going to celebrate by going to...a funeral? Shit. Next time I spend three months in soul-crushing tedium I want to go to Disneyland.

[blozor.livejournal.com]

I hear that. Every time one of my posts turns out like crap it's because I put it off too long and then tried to pop it out after I got too tired. Or because I went to bed and wrote it after I got up and was no longer in the right frame of mind. Glad to know you're done though. Good luck to you.