I haven't been able to fully process any of this. I haven't cried yet, but I think I haven't cried for a few years, maybe. But I'm expecting it to happen at any time. But he was my idol, my ideal, my hero, for a long time my dream-hunk. I was looking forward to so much more from him. I thought we'd grow old together. And I miss him terribly, much more than I should miss someone I barely knew in person. But it's like he was the soul of the world I live in, and now that's gone.