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So roller derby last night. I am not a sportswriter so I can't give you a rundown, but needless to say 1) Heartless Heathers won and 2) Sol Train is now the avowed fan favorite (which surprised no one). Although in my opinion Sump Pump is a close second. The championship match was great, but the High Rollers v. Breakneck Betties match was pretty suck. The one good part was towards the end when all hope for victory was dashed, the Rollers started behaving marvelously bad and ended up with half the team in the penalty box. Good fun.

Did you make it home alive, [profile] johnnybrainwash? I hope the Mary's girls didn't roll you for your wallet. Or at least if they did, you got some good unwholesome fun out of it. Sorry we lamed out, but what can I say, we are lame. I am lame. I came home and slept the sleep of the lame and it was good.
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So this weekend is my birthday, and that being the case I feel almost like I should plan a party. Upon thinking about it, though, I realized I don't plan to have enough energy after roller derby to party any more. So here is, so far, my plan for turning twenty-seven.

1. Purchase most ostentatious, glammed-out drag queen princess tiara possible. Wear it to roller derby. Wear it possibly the rest of my life.
2. Go to [profile] johnnybrainwash's prefunk. Drink [profile] johnnybrainwash's liquor.
3. Scream a lot at roller derby. Ogle cute half-naked tattooed girls. Later apologize to [profile] hplovescats and claim I was drunk.
4. On birthday proper, sit in backyard on blanket with sunblock on. Possibly cajole [profile] hplovescats to grill me a cheeseburger. Drink beer, unless liver protests. Then revert to lemonade.

So far that is the plan. I had thought to be more sober at this derby such that I can better follow and comprehend the action. This may or may not actually happen, in which case once again I'll just yell really loudly at everthing that happens.

I am officially going to be the age at which rockers die. It's a good thing I'm a total and complete square. But I'll still pour libations for Kurt, departed icon of adolescence. Not the first man to make me love smudgy eyeliner on a man, but certainly he did justice to the cause.

Oh: and a shoutout to [personal profile] alecaustin, whose birthday doth approacheth. I hope the white paper hasn't destroyed your mind.
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Roller Derby names must be at least one of the following:


  1. A bad pun, possibly on the name of a famous figure
  2. A reference to an urge to commit homicide
  3. Ranging from raunchy to obscene.

This makes it the perfect thing to mull over whilst performing data entry (which I have been doing more or less all day).


Here's what I've got so far: Mary Bleed, Sea Trampler, Betty Rage, Stone Cold Sally, Janis Jostlin', Boys Will Cry, Bustaface, Sweet Tart, Scarlet Harlot, Blister Sister, Cherry Pits, Blue Hell-vet, Hell-en Killer (come on, blind girl on roller skates, how can you go wrong?), Erin-go-Brawl, and Pussywhipper. Amy Racecar is a good one if you don't mind appropriating a comic book character—you can also kick it up a notch to be Amy Race-Scar. Oh, the cleverness of me.


But as Drawgirl brought up, I would probably have to be known as the Mad Mod (it's a long story involving a croquet mallet and a Vespa). The Mad Mod is deceptively cute, but gleefully violent. The Mad Mod will club you upside the head and then dance on your corpse to the Britpop of your choice. You will know the Mad Mod by the distant buzz of her scooter. It is advised that you hit the dirt immediately.

So, yeah, now all I need are skates, coordination, bloodlust, sociopathic brutality, and a reeeeaaaalllly short skirt, and I'm set. On second thought, considering my history as "Wheeled Doom" (another long story involving me on roller blades, the doom pertaining to my own person), maybe I'll just sit tight in the bandstand.


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December 2009

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